Christmas Can Feel Like Death

11 years ago 2006 12-24 11:39PM in my bathroom, with a calked gun pressed against my head I want to pull that trigger I was using all my strength but something had a hold of me and put these thoughts in my head showed me my daughter and a life of hell on earth, more pain and misery than I ever felt mind you I was months out of hospital abandoned by everyone, the sonic headaches with that pitch and teamers.    I had the weight of the world on me and felt responsible for everything he made a deal with me in my head that they would have a chance if I would just follow what he has in store for me.  I was still wanting it all to end then I had a vision of my youngest daughter who just turned 4,  she was to be the one who would find me and suddenly my feet were swept from under me my back pounded against the floor the gun firing into the ceiling.  

On the ground I wrote my first song on toilet paper there on the floor, the songs are messages to me I think they have become haunting going away for sometime a couple of years and then they come back out of no where with a vengeance I can write sometime 20 to 50 in a week when they come, and sometimes I write other things of work on the web go and find others with a brain injury 

Maybe I am just cracked but I have kept my deal but I have been so ready for him to take me home this last 6 months has been the worst on july 34 I got hits by a semi the day after camp I went far away for the evaluation  and testing still ended up with someone who knew who I was .  the insurance company is freaking out they want to close this think I just want out.  I don’t want to deal with any of them .

So Christmas  can be tough be we can be miserable as a group I guess or you can just listen to m and some music if I am on alone with no takers